Wednesday, May 13, 2009

My Reply to Abby's Comment. . .

The love and support reflected in your comments on my Doubts and Regrets post really touched my heart, and got me thinking, and I felt the need to respond here.

Dear Abby (and everyone else!) -

Thanks for taking the time to comment. It really made me stop and analyze a few things about myself. All of your comments did.

I think I need to clarify a few points.

First, I don't let these regrets dominate or rule my life; used as an excuse for anything bad that happens. I only get these thoughts when I am feeling reflective, which happens during times like Mother's Day.

No one here really said that in their comments, but I just feel it needs to be stated.

Second, I feel that an education would have benefited me, mostly because I was so young and naive and hadn't matured into someone who knew her own mind yet. I was too wishy-washy about pretty much everything (except the Gospel), so I wasn’t consistent in my discipline. I know I could have benefited from the techniques and tools that I would have learned. But no, it wouldn't have made me a more loving mother, because I love my kids more than I could ever imagine I could love anything.

And thirdly, I do realize that my husband made a choice that it was his, and maybe he wouldn't have gone on a mission even if he had never met me. I have listened to him tell others why he didn’t serve many times, and I realize now the reasons he gave, which I stated, were to make himself feel better.

The blame part is all me.

It was his decision.

He was afraid that I wouldn’t wait, but he doesn’t hold that against me. I am the one who's saddended by the fact that he didn't have more faith in me; in our relationship.

But I still can’t help but wonder what would have happened if I had not been such a gushy schoolgirl and reasoned with my mind about getting married so young, instead of with my heart and hormones. We can’t change anything about that.

We all have “what if” thoughts like that.

I simply feel that his life (and of course many other's lives) would have been benefited by his serving. And not because of the RM label, because he is not into that kind of glory. And the RM label obviously did not make any difference to me.

And finally, I know that I can rectify the education thing by going back to school. That is an issue that I have been pondering. That would give my kids that I have left at home (4 of them, and 5, if I include Chad who's on his mission) the example to further their educations.

I’m reminded of someone who said “I’m too old to go back to school” And another person responded with “how old will you be in 4 years if you don’t go back to school?” The answer was given, and the reply was “well, how old will you be if you DO go back to school?” And of course, the answer is the same. So, it’s never too late, is it!

Thanks for all of your comments. I have been surprised and encouraged by the love and support I have felt from you all.


Jan the crazy lady said...

Sounds like you are surrounded by great support. I love when you feel that and can come to some conclusions in your mind that may not have been there before.

It is never to late.

Erin said...

I'm thinking about going back to school. I actually already have my degree, but I get free tuition because my husband works at a university. And it is kind of scary to think I will be a 32 year old walking around a campus with a bunch of 18 year olds. But it is important that we take care of ourselves, regardless of our age or place in life!

These are all nice thoughts. Thanks for sharing.

Michelle said...

AND - you can always go on a mission with your husband!

Melissa said...

To my twin seperated at birth:

You certainly didn't need a post to explain yourself..... you know that right?

And if you want school, by dang, go do it already! You know you can do it. And then I can vicariously enjoy it through you! : )

Abby said...

A post dedicated to responding to my random thoughts? You know you've made it big-time when you can force someone to write a novel in response to the novel you wrote to them. I'm glad you've thought this through considerably more.